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Eddie proposed to me last summer. With all the craziness from the days leading up to the proposal, I was eager to get to the courthouse and make this thing legal! As I’ve never been keen on being the center of attention, I thought that was the most practical option. I have watched the parents of acquaintances and friends spend tens of thousands of dollars on weddings and then divorce within two years. To me, I cared more about the marriage than the wedding.
Eddie didn’t like my courthouse idea at all. He cited all the fun we had had at his cousin’s and sister’s wedding the year before, and talked about wanting to invite all the little kids from the family so that no one would be left at home. He mentioned how he had gone to Catholic school his entire life and how important my church was to me. We decided to move toward a more traditional route.
Pre-Requisites for Your Church Wedding
Many churches require a single day or weekend class or meeting with a pastor before your church wedding. These classes serve to prepare you for conflicts that may arise in marriage. Some churches require that you get to know the pastor more personally before your big day. This deeper relationship with your pastor serves you better as he or she is able to tailor a wedding sermon that is less formulaic and more personal for your church wedding.
My church had a more time consuming process. We didn’t mind because we thought this meant we’d be more prepared for our marriage. We paid a fee and enrolled in the pre-marital classes required for our church wedding. The first thing we needed to do was complete a nearly one hundred question self-survey. Then, over seven weeks, we took ninety minute classes to prepare for a life together. The classes were about finances, intimacy, conflict, communication, and the role of religion in our life. We had different married couples counsel and teach us each week, from a couple that talked about the stuffed animals they sleep with on their bed to two corporate executives who find balance with work and family life.
Final Steps for Your Church Wedding
The last steps for a church wedding typically involve meeting with the pastor to tailor a marriage sermon to your big event. At this time, you’ll also be asked to finalize the date and pay the fee required for staffing your church wedding. These fees may be used for security at the church, an organist, the pastor, and other behind the scenes employees necessary to make the service run smoothly.
After our classes were finished, we met with our church’s marriage and family counselor. We spent 75 minutes discussing with him the things that were important to us. Discussions included what we envisioned for our life together in the future and hardships we had already faced. We talked about the role faith had in our lives. Eddie and I both mentioned that we came to Christ as children growing up in Christian homes. Our pastor was kind and relatable and talked about his faith journey, stating that he became a Christian after college.
“We Cannot Bless this Marriage”
As we thought we were getting to the point where we wrote a check and worked on the logistics for our upcoming wedding, the pastor stopped us. He stated that there were two issues that prohibited the church from marrying us. He first mentioned that since we were two adults in an intimate relationship, the church could not bless this marriage. As our church is strictly biblical, this didn’t necessarily surprise Eddie or myself. We hoped our wedding would be in about three months so we the idea of abstinence for 90 days did not seem overwhelming. We had been living separately as I took care of my mom, so this wasn’t particularly daunting.
I asked the pastor, “If we are all sinners and the church welcomes everyone, why is the ultimatum ‘either don’t sin or you have to get out of here?'”
He laughed. He said, “We’re not saying get out of here, we’re saying you can’t get married here.”
I pressed him further.
“If we are acknowledging our sin and trying to make things right in the eyes of God, why are you telling us that we can’t do that?”
I can’t remember his exact words, but he stated something along the lines of, because of our sin, “we cannot bless this marriage.”
He moved on. They also could not marry us because there was grave concern since Eddie and I were “unequally yolked in our faith.” Eddie is nominally Roman Catholic but questions the tenants of our religion. I am unwaveringly Christian. Eddie would accompany me at church once or twice a month and was listening to biblical podcasts. This pastor, the representative of our church, did not think Eddie was Christian enough for us to have a successful relationship.
Faith is not a Linear Journey
This boiled my blood. I can’t speak for Eddie, but the pastor who had told us just an hour earlier that he wasn’t a Christian 15 years ago passed a judgement on Eddie’s faith journey that I can’t wrap my head around. Eddie and I both had believed in Christ since our childhood; our pastor would not have been able to speak intelligently about the Bible had we met him in high school. I mentioned that after my dad died, I was turned off by religion for about three years, but made my way back to the church. By all accounts, Eddie, me, and this pastor all had personal experiences that did not reflect a linear faith journey. When we pressed the pastor about this, he simply rose from his chair and indicated that our meeting was finished.
What to Do When Your Church Wedding Gets Canceled
We were told on a Sunday that our church wedding would not be happening. That Wednesday, we purchased a $60 marriage license. Four days later, we waited in line at City Hall and paid $10 to be married by a Catholic judge. We did not have witnesses. Eddie wore a suit, I wore an Abercrombie sweater and white leather pants. We surprised our families with the news. The featured photo of this post is the only picture we had taken of our marriage. We held a party this past weekend to celebrate our marriage with friends and family, but privately we have celebrated our marriage for months.
Seeking a New Church Home in Chicago
I am disappointed in the church I called home for five years. We have not been back since we were told that they could not bless our marriage. To me, this is just a navigable obstacle in our faith journey. We haven’t sworn off religion or vowed to ruin the church. While our God is perfect, churches are run by imperfect people. Maybe this pastor made his own decision and not everyone at the church would agree with it. Maybe all the pastors at this church would agree that they could not bless us. Either way, we are happy with the decision we made and look forward to finding a new church. We are confident that God will bless our marriage and hopeful that we will find a new church soon!
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Congratulations on your marriage! You look stunning and it’s legal, which is all that counts for most people. I’m sorry to hear about the logistical nightmare. 🙁
Thanks Karen! It is legal and we love eachother so that’s the best part 🙂
That is absolutely ridiculous on so many levels. They should have stated from the beginning their rules for marriage at the church so that no one’s time is wasted or money too. That should be easily apart of any getting started package.
Also very rude of pastor to condemn and pass judgment. Jesus especially speaks to his goal of saving the sinners. And there is absolutely no way a person can be judged by what makes them Christian or religious enough especially based on attendance. One could watch church service anywhere in the world at any time. Plus, if attendance was the only requirement for Heaven wouldn’t most just go and check off the box and say they met their yearly quota for attendance. And the fact you were willing to change but it wasn’t accepted says a lot. Organized religion can be something else and I’m not surprised why so many people are turned off by it. Half the people touting the rules and guidelines are some of the biggest sinners and God doesn’t make a distinction between big vs little sins. So the way that church is set up they prob shouldn’t be a church bc everyone has sinned especially the pastor.
I know. The fact that my questions were dodged more so than answered told me everything that I needed to know. Good thing God is Great !
Oh Jaime! I’m so sorry this happened. What a sad statement. When we got married I was not religious and my husband grew up Catholic. We did all the things you said. Our first priest got sick. That was unfortunate. Our second priest retired or something but it was unplanned. We had our honeymoon cancelled as a result of your company going out of business. Eventually we got married anyways in a chapel at the University where I was still a student and it was a lovely wedding but there was a lot of ups and downs and it was super challenging getting all that sorted. I’m sad for what has gone on here- that’s not right. That said, I wish you both a lifetime of love, good health and happiness.
Tour company not your company. Ugh
Sometimes I think if it’s too easy, it isn’t meant to be. Thanks for your well wishes, Paula!
Sounds like you went through quite an ordeal. In the end it doesn’t really matter what one psdtir thinks. You know it’s the right move. Congrats on the wedding and hope you two have a great life.
I can’t even… and churches wonder why young people are leaving in droves…
I was married in the Catholic Church and my husband was not Catholic at the time. We completed the required marriage courses (best investment in our marriage to date) however, we did get some push back because we were living together at the time (albeit briefly) because my fiancee had been transferred to a new city and province. The priest in that province was more conservative and similar to your pastor.
Our priest (in the province we did marry in), was more welcoming and open minded and welcomed us even though we lived 2500 km away. That small gesture or ‘investment’ – faith in our commitment to get married in a church – paid off. Some 20 years later, unbeknownst to me, my husband made the decision to convert to Catholicism. Our children had been raised in the faith and ultimately, my husband felt welcomed in the Catholic Church.
I also feel the service is more important than the party. I hope you are still able to secure a blessing from your husband’s church but let me say, it is the commitment that both of you have to getting married and to each other that is the most important.
I salute and celebrate with you. Congratulations.
Thanks Margarita. Our plan is to find a new church home and be blessed at that time. The service was the most important part to me too, but alas, the Bible also says to follow the laws of the land. We followed the law of the land so we’re married for now, and then we’ll get the blessing of the church. Not the ideal timeline, but it will work out!
Congratulations Kid. I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Makes me wonder how many folks just lied and got all blessed up for it. You guys were honest and this happens. I’m glad you’re moving forward and have a plan. As for me, y’all are in love and married and that’s that. So so happy for you guys.
Thanks Rome!